Voldemort

My most recent Ex. He who must not be named, or slept with

Why I am not as smart as I like to think I am

Dear Future Self,

If you did something you feel like you shouldn’t even tell your blog about, it was probably a terrible idea.
Also your ex boyfriends junk is not made of candy. Remember this.

Me.

 

In the past few weeks I have become aware that at some point in my life, I must have subconsciously decided that my behaviour (and the consequences of it) is not bound by the same basic principles as everyone else’s.

In this wisdom, about 2 weekends ago I decided it would be absolutely fine for me to sleep with my ex (who, for the record – now goes by Voldemort. Because he must not be named and certainly not slept with). (more…)

Why I am currently winning at ‘the break up’

Dear Future Self,

When your ex shows up at a place he knows is your annual holiday destination, and has his new girl in arm, yet still feels the need to flip you the bird as he passes by, he probably isn’t over you.

Me.

P.S this means you are winning at the breakup.

Why I am going on a shopping spree next week.

Dear Future Self,

If you can get through Monday with a huge smile, looking hot AND with your dignity and mental stability intact, you can go on a shopping spree next week.

Me.

P.S May the force be with you. It’s your only hope, because google was average at this one.

When I’m completely stumped regarding how might be best to handle a normal – but none the less awkward or upsetting – moment in life, I generally consult the Internet.

So today when I was brought up to speed on the particularly craptacular news that my ex boyfriend had decided camping 50 metres away from me is super approproate, I was immediately in a state of wild panic slightly nervous.
Why?
Because the kid is bringing his rebound chick; ugh.

Google time: ‘How to deal with bumping into your ex and his new girl’

After I quizzed myself to see if I’m a bitter ex (suprisingly no?), I’ve come up with the following ‘top tips’;
1. Avoid this situation at all costs
2. Smile til your face hurts
3. Look as good as you can possibly look.
4. If anyone in the vicinity of your ex asks you, youre the happiest damn person on the planet

Now given that I’ll be ignoring the best bit of advice in that list, I’m going to spend the next 3 days preparing for the event.  This will involve a vigorous regime of exercise, not eating and various beauty treatments, so I can remain at a safe distance (as in, where I cant see him or her, at all)…. but they can see me and feel turned on and incredibly jealous / intimidated respectively.

Yeah.

Why I shouldn’t pretend to be a private investigator

Dear Future Self,

Social media investegation attempts often lead to undue stress and an overwhelming desire to set your ex boyfriends car on fire not get out of bed for a few days.

So next time you feel like going for a stealth browse, don’t!

Me.

P.S She looks kind of like you and it’s weird.

Why I’m not better than science

Dear Future Self,

Ex boyfriends are bad news.
Don’t ever get drunk on oxytocin again.

Me.

P.S. You are not better than science.

So, it’s the number one rule of successfully cutting ties at the end of a relationship – stop sleeping together. No more sex. No matter how good it is, how easy, how familiar or how bad you want it – just don’t.

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